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GUEST STARS
Karen Dior (Miss Artiphys aka Geoff Gann)
Robert Trebor (Salmoneus)
John Sumner (Lord Claron)
Calvin Tuteao (Doge of Mesini)
Simone Russell (Miss Mesini)
Stan Wolfgramm (Palantine of Parnassus)
Jennifer Becker (Miss Parnassus)
Timothy Lee (Regent of Skiros)
Katherine Kennard (Miss Skiros)
Brenda Kindall (Pageant Matron)
Written by Chris Manheim
Edited by Jim Prior
Directed by Marina Sargenti
Disguising herself as a contestant, Xena enters the Miss Known World beauty pageant in order to flush out whoever is trying to sabotage the event. Gabrielle: “Mmm...feel the sun on our face; smell the air. You know...if Salmoneus had to send for us, he could have picked a worse place than this to meet.” Xena: “Yeah, it’s nice. It wasn’t always like this. See that wreck up on the rocks?” Gabrielle: “It looks like the remains of a warship.” Xena: “One of dozens that attacked this beach in a battle so bloody, the sand was soaked red.” Gabrielle: “Thanks for sharing. When was it?” Xena: “Uh...it’s been almost a year, now, since the peace was signed.” Gabrielle: “Ah...that’s plenty of time for things to return to being safe and normal.” Xena: “Are you all right?” Gabrielle: “Uh, yeah, I think so. Where did this come from?” Xena: “The same place as that one.” Gabrielle: “They’re so deep. Hey, look! Hah! Clams! Oh, yes. There’s lots of ‘em, too. I know what I’m having for dinner. What do you think made these ruts?” Xena: “Only one thing I know makes tracks that deep...a fully-armed war wagon.” Gabrielle: “A war wagon? What would it be doing here? I thought you said it was peaceful.” Hoods: “Come back, girls!” “How ‘bout a little kiss?” “What’s your hurry?” “Grab her!” Salmoneus: “Hey, get away from those girls! And stay away!” Contestant: “It’s ruined!” Salmoneus: “Is everybody OK?” Contestant: “Yes.” Salmoneus: “’Cause frankly I was worried. These costumes were not designed to take this kind of abuse.” Miss. Parnassus: “Costumes? Just wait till I tell my sponsor.” Salmoneus: “Don’t forget to tell him who saved you...a man of surprising courage; deceptive strength; and ingenious skill; and is not above accepting financial remuneration!” Contestant: “Thanks for nothing!” Xena: “Hm-hmm.” Salmoneus: “Xena! I was just talking about you...sort of.” Xena: “Beauty contest? You sent urgent word for us to come and see some underdressed, over-developed bimbos in a beauty contest?” Salmoneus: “Pageant...it’s called a pageant.” Gabrielle: “Contest, pageant. It’s a feeble excuse for men to exploit and degrade women.” Salmoneus: “Wrong as usual, Miss Sunshine. Since when do we ever need an excuse?” Gabrielle: “Hmm.” Salmoneus: “Besides, it’s more like combat than contest. And it had such potential...when Lord Claron proposed it as a way to celebrate a year of peace! Merchandizing, local franchises, off-runway betting...” Xena: “Wake me when you get to the urgent part.” Salmoneus: “Hah? Remember the leaders who, ah, wrote that treaty here about a year ago?” Xena: “The Doge of Messini, the Regent of Skyros, and the Palatine of Parnassus?” Salmoneus: “Well spoken. See, they each entered their girlfriends in the pageant, and since then, we’ve had nothing but trouble...Wrecked costumes, ripped props, and now this business on the beach!” Xena: “Sounds like someone’s trying to wage a war by proxy.” Gabrielle: “That would explain all the war wagon tracks.” Salmoneus: “And that’s why I sent urgent word. If you don’t help to keep things on the level, each leader is going blame the other, and soon, we’re all buying headstones.” Gabrielle: “Yeah, probably from you. Now, why don’t you just cancel the pageant?” Salmoneus: “Lord Claron’s tried that! Each of these guys is so invested in winning, nobody wants to quit first! The way I see it...What we need, see...is a contestant to keep an eye on things...from the inside.” Gabrielle: “Oh, no, no, no. Don’t even look at me. Now you know how I feel about these women being victimized by meat markets.” Xena: “She’s right. But war makes everyone a victim...so...meet Miss Amphipolis.” Salmoneus: “Now, remember...if anybody asks, you’re Miss Amphipolis, and you’re her sponsor, the Marquesa...huh!” Gabrielle: “What?” Xena: “What about the contest itself?” Salmoneus: “Here’s the deal. Each girl competes in three events to win. Miss one event, whatever the reason, you’re out of the pageant. You can’t get back in. One miss, you’re gone...Understand?” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Excuse me.” Miss Skyros: “Watch it, clod...or, can’t you see from up there?” Salmoneus: “Excuse, me. Miss Messini? Sorry to interrupt. I want to introduce you to our newest contestant, Miss Amphipolis, and her sponsor, the Marquesa. Ladies, this is Miss Messini, sponsored by the Doge of Messini.” Miss Messini: “Hello.” Gabrielle as Marquesa: “It’s good to meet you. Oh, don’t let us keep you from your...” Miss Messini: “You saved my life. Did you see that? He saved my life.” Salmoneus: “Yes, yes, I did, yes. It was nothing.” Miss Messini: "Nothing? I wouldn’t call that arrow nothing. And I don’t think my sponsor will either, once he finds out about it.” Salmoneus: [Laughs] Salmoneus: “Hah! Talk about a close call. If Miss Messini had been skewered, the Doge would’ve blamed the other two. I would’ve lost both the peace and my shirt in one fell swoop.” Gabrielle: “Your concern is so touching. Look...as long as we can keep the contest fair, while we find out who’s doing this, we’ll be fine.” Xena: “OK...Salmoneus, you find me a disguise, while you get to know the other sponsors.” Gabrielle: “Got it.” Xena: “We’ll meet back here after the first event.” Matron: “Matron of the pageant, coming in. Oh, there’s no time for modesty. I’ve got ten more of you wannabes to see before...Here, what’s this?” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “What?” Matron: “Aren’t you? Yes, I’m sure you are.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “What?” Matron: “You’re wearing the robe inside-out.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Oh.” Matron: “Oh, why the gods waste beauty on girls like you, I’ll never know. If I had half your looks, I’d rule the world.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Look, I’m sorry about the robe...I was just so totally thrilled to be here, that...” Matron: “Oh, save it for the judges...I’m on a schedule.” Doge: “That arrow nearly killed her! And why? ‘Cause one of you wants to stop me from winning, that’s why. It’s an insult!” Lord Claron: “Please...We don’t know for a fact that anything...” Palatine: “What about me?! My girl was assaulted on the beach by thugs one of you hired to try and stop me from winning! It’s a slur on my honor.” Lord Claron: “As I said, nothing’s been proven about anyone. So I...” Regent: “Will you listen to yourselves? Hissing and moaning, when it’s clear...my girl is gonna win this one.” [Doge, Regent, and Pal argue among themselves] Gabrielle as Marquesa: [Clears throat] “Is this a private bash, or can...any sponsor join?” Lord Claron: “You’re a sponsor?” Gabrielle as Marquesa: “That’s right. I am called...the Marquesa. And from what I just hear, I am a lot better sponsor than any of you. Your contestant is nearly killed, and it’s you who’s insulted. Get a life! And yours is attacked, but it’s your disgrace? Give me a break. And I suppose if yours gets hurt, it’d be about you, too. Well, all I can say to you three is...Hmmm! Clear the runway, ‘cause my contestant is going to wipe the floor with all of you.” Doge: “And just who is your contestant?” Miss. Parnassus: “Her name’s Miss Amphipolis.” Miss Skyros: “Oh, her being sponsored by a woman.” Miss Messini: “I’ll say. You wouldn’t think a woman would put you through all this, just to win some silly contest. Miss. Parnassus: “I just keep focused on the extra food my village will get if I win. The Palatine promised.” Miss Skyros: “Well...nobody twisted my arm to be here. I’m gonna use this thing to get as far away from here as possible. And all I can say is, Miss Amphipolis better not get in my way.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Thanks for the warning. I’ll have to keep that in mind.” Miss Skyros: “Do that.” Miss. Parnassus: “I gotta go. Too much steam might turn all pruney.” Miss Messini: “Yeah, me too. Besides, it’s nearly time for the first event.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Sounds like this pageant means a lot to you, huh?” Miss Skyros: “No...but winning it does. And you can bet...I’ll do whatever it takes.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Was it something I said? Hmm.” Gabrielle: “Xena. It’s about time, keeping us all waiting! Where is she?” Salmoneus: “She’s not back?” Gabrielle: “No!” Salmoneus: “Ha-ha. You know...if she misses this, she’s out of the pageant...No if's, and's, or buts. Gone, finito [Whistles] out!” Gabrielle: “I know that. So do those warlords. You should’ve seen the way they acted...like, this...this contest was all about them and how great they are. And I’m telling you, they’ll do anything to win.” Salmoneus: “That’s unusually perceptive of you. The question is, which one is it?” Gabrielle: “I wish I knew.” Salmoneus: “I wish I could stay. But I’ve got a show to emcee. If Xena gets back, get her dressed and down to the stage fast. If she doesn’t stay in to keep this thing on the level, we’re all goners...bye-bye!” Salmoneus: “Come on everybody! Give it up for Miss Artifice, huh? Come on, a big hand for Miss Artifice...come on! Let’s hear it for all our contestants! Yes! And now, it gives me great pleasure to present to you our last contestant, Miss Amphipolis!” [Audience cheers] Salmoneus: “Huh?” Salmoneus: “Xena? Is that really you? Brilliant disguise.” Xena: “Sorry...” Salmoneus: “What happened? You were almost disqualified.” Xena: “Which is exactly what somebody wanted.” Gabrielle: “Did she tell you that she was locked in the steam room?” Salmoneus: “Someone tried to saute’ you?” Xena: “Yes...and I think I know who.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Looking for this? Now, I want some straight answers.” Miss Artifice: “Have you got the wrong girl! OK, OK, I was just kidding. Where’s your sense of humor?” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Gee, I guess I must have sweated it out. Is that your idea of funny, too?” Miss Artifice: “I was just trying to scare you.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Why’d you want to scare me?” Miss Artifice: “Because I knew you knew. You know, about me. And I didn’t want you to tell anyone. But when I came back to unlock the door, you had already gone.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “What made you think I’d tell?” Miss Artifice: “You really don’t get it, do you? I guess being born a woman, you wouldn’t. This is a chance to use a part of me most people usually laugh at...or worse. The part I usually have to hide...only here that part works for me...you see?” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “I think so.” Miss Artifice: “Look...I don’t expect you to understand. And I’m sorry I got you steamed. I just hope you let me quit the pageant in private instead of going public with it.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “No way. May the best person win.” Lord Claron: “What else can I do? We’ve always been neutral, even during the war. That’s why there’s no army to call out...Just some reserves, and I’m using all I’ve got.” Palatine: “Then you’d better draft more, or I’ll be forced to bring in my own men.” Regent: “If he brings in his men, so do I.” Doge: “And I.” Gabrielle as Marquesa: “Will you listen to yourselves. Now, how do you think the contestants feel under all this pressure?” Regent: “Who cares? As long as mine wins.” Palatine: “I told mine, I don’t care if she wins...I just don’t want her to lose.” Gabrielle as Marquesa: “Very understanding.” Doge: “Why, what’d you tell yours?” Gabrielle as Marquesa: “I do not tell her anything. We are a team. I ask.” Palatine: “Yeah, right! One more incident...I’m bringing in my troops.” Regent: “That makes two of us.” Lord Claron: “I’ll send out a call for more volunteers...” Doge: “Marquesa.” Gabrielle as Marquesa: “Yes?” Doge: “That asking stuff...that works for you?” Gabrielle as Marquesa: “Every time.” Doge: “Hmm.” Gabrielle: “Remember...a beauty pageant is like a war. To win, you’ve gotta be fired with the heat of competition! The power! The passion! The desire to win.” Xena: “Gabrielle, we’re not here to win. We’re here to stop a war.” Gabrielle: “Yeah sure...but there’s no harm in winning...right?” Salmoneus: “Follow your moves, keep it warm, and whatever happens, try to stay upright. OK, let’s hit it! A-one, two, three.
‘Like soft gentle winds that will blow through your hair;
Like fire that warms you when no one else cares;
Like flowers that bloom from the Earth in the spring;
A woman’s a natural thing.Contestants: “Ow!” “Watch it!” [And throughout the remainder of the song] ‘Like flora and fauna that brighten your day;
Like water we drink, and the sea where we play;
Like dragonflies riding the air on their wings;
A woman’s a natural thing.‘So give thanks and give praise
To the gods for their bounty.
And thanks to Athena
From city and county.
But most of all honor the goddess, Demeter,
With flowers and songs and with crops that will feed her.
To her we will lift up our cups as we say-ay--
A woman’s a natural thing-- yeah!’OK, take five. I’ll work with you slowly in small groups.” Palatine: “You move very well.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Thanks.” Palatine: “You look familiar. Have we met before?” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “I’m sure I would’ve remembered.” Palatine: “Well, then, allow me to introduce myself. I’m the Palatine of Parnassus.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Miss Amphipolis. You keep your greasy lips off my arm...and apologize.” Palatine: “I’m sorry.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Not to me...to her.” Palatine: “We’re not done, you and me...not by a long shot.” Salmoneus: “Next, we have Miss Skyros. As cool as the marble her country is known for, Miss Skyros’ hobbies include music, exotic dancing, and sacrificing to the gods. Her favorite deity...Aphrodite! Let’s hear it for Miss Skyros, everybody. Next up, we have Miss Amphipolis. A country girl at heart, she enjoys the simple things in life...weaving tapestries, making candles, and doing volunteer work with her local Hestian virgins. Put ‘em together for the phenomenal Miss Amphipolis.” Palatine: “Wait! That woman! She’s not a contestant! That’s Xena, Warrior Princess!” Doge: “She’s a hired mercenary!” Regent: “It’s a breech of the peace!” Palatine: “This means war! Arrest her! Arrest the Warrior Princess!” Man’s Voice: “Right. Take her away.” Miss Artifice: “Honey, I’m no princess...I’m a Queen.” Salmoneus: “Actually, folks, this lanky beauty is our last contestant, Miss Artifice, whose hobbies include archery, horse-breeding, and knowing the complete score to every musical ever written. Put ‘em together for Miss Artifice, everybody. Thank you. People, people...Please, please. I have the preliminary decision right here. Ladies, when I read out your names, will you please step forward. Here they are. The five semi-finalists for the crown of Miss Known World: Miss Messini.” Miss. Parnassus: “Yeah!” Salmoneus: “Miss Skyros. Miss Parnassus.” Palatine: “Yeah!” Salmoneus: “Miss Artifice. And last, but not least...Miss Amphipolis.” Gabrielle as Marquesa: “Yes! Brilliant! You go girl! Miss A all the way!” Salmoneus: “There they are...the five semifinalists for the title of Miss Known World! Yes! Yes, come on, yes!” Contestant: “I’m happy for you.” Xena: [Aside] “How did you...Why?” Miss Artifice: “I guess we both got our secrets. Thanks for keeping mine.” Salmoneus: “Now, don’t forget to come back for our final round...the talent competition.” Gabrielle: “I don’t understand why you won’t sing. You would be a shoe-in if you did.” Xena: “Gabrielle, I’ve told you before...I sing when I’m moved...when there’s something behind it. It’s not about performance.” Gabrielle: “As a bard and a fellow creative artist, I can understand that. Which, just leaves us one question...What can you do?” Xena: “I don’t know. Finding out who’s sabotaging things would be a great start. Next time they strike, someone could get killed.” Gabrielle: “Yeah...you. Whoever is doing this wants to get to those warlord beauties. And how better to do it, than to just, you know, you!” Xena: “You just gave me a great idea.” Gabrielle: “About how to catch whoever’s doing this?” Xena: “No...about what to do for my talent.” Pageant Matron “What are you doing here? That is, I thought you’d be rehearsing for the talent event. And aren’t you supposed to be at the meeting?” Gabrielle as Marquesa: “What meeting?” Miss. Parnassus: “I was made to look like a fool!” Doge: “A fairly simple task.” Regent: “Oho! You should talk.” Lord Claron: “Gentlemen, gentlemen, please...This is not solving the problem.” Gabrielle as Marquesa: “He is right...this stunt Miss Artifice pulled only show how on edge things are. It was a joke, for Zeus’ sake. It is nothing to call the troops in for.” Palatine: “Maybe not...but, what about everything else our girls have been through? At least, most of our girls.” Regent: “Can I help it if mine’s lucky.” Palatine: “I’m beginning to think maybe you can.” Doge: “Yeah...funny how nothing’s happened to your contestant...yet.” Regent: “She gets so much as a hang-nail...I won’t wait for the judges. I’ll make my own declaration...and it’ll be war.” Palatine: “Well, that goes double for me.” Lord Claron: “I’m gonna go and beef up stage security.” Gabrielle as Marquesa: “Look what you do!” Doge: “Me?” Gabrielle as Marquesa: “Yes...frightening Miss Skyros like this. What is it with you three? Always threats, ultimatums. You are here to celebrate the peace and work together. Now, just shut up and do it!” Gabrielle: “This is sabotage!” Xena: “Gabrielle, it’s just a bad dress.” Gabrielle: “Bad dress...Xena, chiffon is bad, chartreuse is bad, but this is a disaster. You will be eliminated halfway down the catwalk.” Xena: “Calm down! Look...if it really bothers you, I’ll fix it.” Gabrielle: “It’s...getting better.” Pageant Matron “You’re pretty good with a knife...for a contestant, that is.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Well...I have many skills.” Xena: “Well...it’s not Sophocles, but it’ll have to do.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Miss Messini? What happened?” Miss Messini: “Nothing, I’m fine. Really, just a little something in my eye. That’s all.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Oh...I guess we’re all kind of keyed up, you know? Wondering about who’s gonna win the pageant and all, huh?” Miss Messini: “No...I think it’s a crock.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “You do?” Miss Messini: “We all do...except for you. But then, you’re not from around here. You can’t know how stupid something like this seems, when you’ve been through a war where it was a fight just to survive.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Well, if that’s how you all feel, then why are you here?” Miss Messini: “Different reasons...Miss Parnassus made a deal. If she wins, the Palatine will give her village extra food for this coming winter. Or Miss Skyros...the war was so terrible...and the memories. She wants to get away, so she’s using this pageant to do it.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “And you? Why’d you enter?” Miss Messini: “I didn’t. My boyf...my sponsor entered me. I guess I could’ve said no...but it just seemed to mean so much to him that I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “What about your feelings...Don’t they count?” Miss Messini: “They never have before. I mean, he loves me...but he’s so hung up on the way I look, you know? That it’s hard for him to see past that to the person underneath. But, then I guess a lot of people make that mistake...don’t you?” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “I know they do...but you can change that. Tell him how you feel. You’re entitled.” Miss Messini: “You think so?” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “I know so...So should you.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “What am I doing in there?” Miss Skyros: “Don’t know. I can’t see any...” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Well...good luck.” Miss Skyros: “I make my own luck.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: : “Then you don’t need a pageant to change it, do you?” Gabrielle: “There you are. They’ve pushed up the talent event. It’s already started. Come on.” Doge: “Yes!” Salmoneus: “Thank you, Miss Messini, for that lovely rendition of...whatever that song you just played was. Miss Messini, everybody! And now, Miss Artifice!” Xena: “Any trouble so far?” Salmoneus: “Nothing a hook wouldn’t solve. If you mean danger, not yet.” Gabrielle: “Maybe we scared off the people who were trying to get the girls.” Xena: “Maybe...but my fear is, they’ll switch to targeting warlords.” Salmoneus: “Wait! Now! We have an act that’s sure to be a real charmer...Miss Skyros!” Xena: “Why the rush on this event?” Salmoneus: “Don’t ask me...Ask him. He’s the one who ordered it.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Thank you. Ta-da! Ta-da!” Salmoneus: “What does she think she’s doing, huh? She certainly picked a fine time to go touring around the castle. Doesn’t she know it’s dangerous out there?” Gabrielle: “She’ll be fine.” Gabrielle: “Now, the good news is that she’s a cinch to win, and then this is over, and we’re home free.” Salmoneus: “Yeah...unless something happens to her. Then we’re not so home free.” Gabrielle: “No one else knows she’s at the castle...it’s perfectly safe. Now, just don’t worry.” Lord Claron: “Miss Amphipolis. I’m Lord Claron.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Oh.” Lord Claron: “Congratulations. I’d stake my life that the judges will choose you as the winner.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Well, that’s very kind of you to say.” Lord Claron: “Not at all. In fact...kindness has nothying to do with it. I said that I’d stake my life, where in fact...I’m staking yours.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “What are you doing?” Lord Claron: “You wouldn’t understand. You weren’t here for the war, when our neutrality made this country rich.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “You made a profit out of death and suffering?” Lord Claron: “Let’s just say we filled a need. And then the peace came...and the good times were gone. That’s why we need another war...to bring back the prosperity. And that’s why you have to die.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “So you’re the one who’s sabotaging this pageant?” Lord Claron: “Can you think of a better way to get these fools to fight again without arousing suspicion?” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “As a matter of fact, I can’t. But, why don’t we ask the fools themselves?” Lord Claron: “But, how did you...?” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “...know it was you? Only the guy who rigged it could have looked up at that beam. And as for the security you were adding...well, there wasn’t a guard in sight.” Lord Claron: “You surprise me...I had no idea that a...beauty contestant could be...more than the sum of her...well-assembled parts.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Neither did I.” Lord Claron: “Hmm. Now, be smart...and maybe I won’t have to...disassemble you, hmm?” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “Trust me...you don’t wanna make me angry.” Lord Claron: “Oh...on the contrary...I’m looking forward to it.” Xena as Miss Amphipolis: “OK. Are we having fun yet? Oops! Don’t hate me ‘cause I’m beautiful.” Gabrielle: “Xena!” Palatine: “Xena!” Regent: “Xena!” Doge: “Xena!” Gabrielle as Marquesa: “Uh...I mean Miss Amphipolis.” Xena: “It’s all right, Gabrielle...I think we all know who’s who now.” Gabrielle: “Not quite...the judges have voted...and they’re ready to crown a winner.” Audience: [Cheering] Salmoneus: “I have here the final results of the first Miss Known World Pageant. Now, if for any reason, the winner is unable to perform her duties...like, she isn’t here! Then the crown will go to the first runner-up, and so on down the line. Is that understood?” Xena: “Perfectly.” Salmoneus: “Xena! What have you done with Miss Amphipolis?!” Xena: “She’s withdrawn from the pageant.” Audience: “What?” Xena: “She told me to say that she’s learned a lot from all of you...but it’s time that she moved on.” Salmoneus: “B-b-b-but...she can’t! I have the ballot right here! And, uh...uh-oh! She won! See?! She can’t quit now.” Xena: “She just did.” Salmoneus: “Right. That means the winner will be our first runner-up, and that is...” Miss Skyros: “Wait! I quit, too.” Regent: “What?!” Miss Skyros: “That’s right. I thought I needed this crown to get away from a lot of bad luck. It turns out all I need...is myself...and, maybe someone to remind me of that...once in a while.” Salmoneus: “OK, moving on down the line. Ah! I see that our winner is...” Miss Messini: “Wait! Me too...I quit, too.” Salmoneus: “What is this, catching?” Doge: “You heard her...she wants to quit. You got a problem with that?” Salmoneus: “No, sir...uh-uh! Especially because, I think we have a winner right here.” Miss. Parnassus: “Then think again.” Palatine: “We had a deal! You put yourself before your family, your village? You’ll let them starve?” Miss. Parnassus: “No, I won’t let them starve. I’ll help them plant, and...and plow, and harvest, with all my strength, year after year, until we get through this. But to give away my pride and my dignity, for one winter’s food? Where’s the good in that?” Salmoneus: “She has a point...which means...that our winner is...Miss Artifice! Thank you. You really saved my assets. You are something else.” Miss Artifice: “You have no idea.” Salmoneus: “Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, on her inaugural walk down our runway, your Miss Known World: ‘Stand back, and let her through.
She’s the one girl who’ll do.
A beauty so mythic,
Her figure’s terrific.
She’s Miss Known World.
With a face and a form so sublime,
She’s a legend within her own time.
So stand back, make way,
Let her smile make your day.
She’s Miss Known World.’”Gabrielle: “So, Miss Known World is a man?” Xena: “Yep.” Gabrielle: “It’s kind of funny, huh?” Xena: “Why? Beauty is beauty.” Gabrielle: “And peace is peace.” Xena: “Are you going to write about this?” Gabrielle: “Oh, yes. I was thinking about calling it, ‘Queen for a...’” Xena: “Gabrielle!” Gabrielle: “What a drag!” Xena: “Gabrielle!” Gabrielle: “OK, OK.”
