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GUEST STARS
Ted Raimi (Joxer/Attis the Apeman)
Alexandra Tydings (Aphrodite)
Kevin Smith (Ares)
Lawrence Makoare (Maecenus)
Renee Schuda (Young Xena)
Callum Gallagher (Young Lyceus)
Jason Tahu (Thug #1)
Story by Rob Tapert and Adam Armus & Nora Kay Foster
Written by Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster
Edited by Robert Field
Directed by Josh BeckerAphrodite steals the "mystic diamond" that keeps the North Star lit, then casts spells on Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer to keep them from retrieving it.
Aphrodite: “Ooh! Whoo! Uh-huh, uh-huh. [Sighs] Let’s see what I got today. Need it. Got it. Hate it. [Sighs] Can always hock it. Grody! Uh! Tsk. Why do these mortal types always give me fish?! I hate fish!” Maecanus’ Voice: “This way!” Maecanus: “Aphrodite. It is my honor to be able to...” Aphrodite: “Yadda, yadda, yadda. Did you get it, or not? So this is the Mystic Diamond, huh? Nice one. Ooh! Too bad I can’t keep it!” Maecanus: “What? Then why did I just...?” Aphrodite: “Duh! It’s a star from the night sky. I gotta show this off. This little baby is destined to become the center of my constellation. Hmm. Now...take it to my priest in Parnassus. He’s gonna shoot it into the night sky for me.” Maecanus: “I’ll put it up there for you right now, most...beautiful of goddesses. Tie your gem on my arrow...so my shaft can bring you...satisfaction.” Aphrodite: [Giggles] “I do believe your sweaty, smelly leader is flirting with the goddess of love. You don’t have the thrust. Besides, my guy in Parnassus has better equipment. And he knows the right time to shoot. It’s got...something to do with some...astrological stuff that gives me a headache. Now, go! To Parnassus! Gotta be there by nightfall!” Maecanus: “Yes, my goddess. There’s just one small problem.” Aphrodite: “Yeah, yeah, yeah...Xena and her pesky posse’s right behind ya. Don’t sweat it; I gotcha covered. I call it ‘Obsession.’ One whiff, and whatever you’re thinking about at that minute turns into an overwhelming obsession. Cool, huh? Now, go! Uhhh, out the back door.” Maecanus: “This way. Let’s go.” Gabrielle: “How could Aphrodite steal the North Star?” Xena: “She stole the Mystic Diamond from the temple of the heavens. Unless we get its powers back before nightfall, the North Star will go out, and the world will be in for some serious turmoil.” Joxer: “You mean, things that go bump in the night really will go bump in the night?” Xena: “All travellers on land and sea look to the North Star as a guide. The Mystic Diamond’s powers will keep it shining.” Gabrielle: “Xena, there’s no sign of Maecanus.” Xena: “Let’s look around and see if they’ve stashed it someplace. Check over here.” Aphrodite: “Hmm...Mmm!” Joxer: “What’s this?” Gabrielle: “That’s the story of Attus...the ape-man...and the Princess Gaea. Hmm...it’s a beautiful love story.” Joxer: “Hmm. Ape-man. Hmm.” Gabrielle: “That’s not humanly possible.” Xena: “Sure it is.” Gabrielle: “They say that the paintings of women in Aphrodite’s temple represent her many phases, right? Well, based on this, I’d have to say that she’s pretty full of herself.” Aphrodite: “Oh, really?” Gabrielle: [Sighs] “Pretty!” Xena: “They’ve probably headed for Parnassus. The priest there is an expert astrologer. Who knows what stupid thing Aphrodite would want him to do with it?” Aphrodite: “Nice! Double dose for you, Warrior Babe.” Xena: “Hmm...a walleye.” Aphrodite: [Giggles] “Big mistake...you’re never getting that smell off your hands now.” Xena: “I’ve got it. I know what to do. The North Star is on the verge of extinction. The fate of the whole world lies in our hands. We’ve got no choice. We’re going fishing.” Gabrielle: “It’s beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Don’t you think it’s beautiful? The way it dips and curves?” Xena: “It’s not supposed to dip and curve. The parchment has to stay still up there.” Gabrielle: “Parchment? Uh, no...no...the cloud behind it. Don’t you think it looks like my nose? You know, the way it dips down, and has that cute little curve to the side?” Xena: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, that clip is supposed to release when you tug on that line. Go on...grab it.” Gabrielle: “Huh. Mm-hmm. Waste of my time.” Xena: “Go ahead.” Gabrielle: “Uh...very funny. Fortuntely, I have a brilliant sense of humor.” Xena: “Gabrielle!” Gabrielle: “Xena...if you think I’m gonna waste my time jumping up and down for flying parchment...” Xena: “It is not a waste of time! I’m trying to test...oh! Oh, ha-ha...excuse me. I, uh...I didn’t wanna make you feel uncomfortable.” Gabrielle: “Uncomfortable? Me? What are you talking about?!” Xena: “Well, yeah, you know, about your, uh...your little problem, your height?” Gabrielle: “You want me to catch your silly clip, do ya? Fine...I’ll show you height. Uh! Got it! Now, what? Oh. Ow!” Xena: “Needs some minor adjustments...I can make ‘em up at the lake.” Gabrielle: “Hey...is that Joxer?” Joxer as Attus: “Mmm...bug.” Gabrielle: “That is so disgusting. Xena...he’s been acting very strange. I don’t think we should be seen in public with him.” Xena: “He’s acting strange because something happened to him at the temple. Aphrodite must have put some kind of a spell on him. Now he’s obsessed with that silly story about the ape-man. You know, you got the obsession thing, too.” Gabrielle: “Excuse me?” Xena: “Ooh, yeah.” Gabrielle: “What am I obsessed with?” Xena: “You. Your opinion of yourself is flying higher than my parchment.” Gabrielle: [Chuckles] “That’s ridiculous! Xena, my opinion of myself has not changed one iota since...oh. Oh, yeah...lookin’ good.” Xena: “Yeah.” Gabrielle: “All right. Um...if we’re all obsessed with something...what about you? What are you obsessed with?” Xena: “Well, that’s the good news. I haven’t been affected by the spell, so I can still take care of business. So, let’s fish. Joxer.” Joxer as Attus: “Huh?” Xena: “Move it. And bring some of whatever it is you’re eating. Might be good bait.” Joxer as Attus: “Uh...OK.” Gabrielle: “I still don’t see why we didn’t bring Argo. I’m getting callouses...perfect callouses.” Xena: “I let Argo roam free for a while. I need to concentrate totally on the mission at hand.” Gabrielle: “Is that the diamond?” Xena: “Yeah, and the diamond.” Gabrielle: “You know, Xena? I’ve been thinking of rewriting the scroll.” Xena: “Whatever.” Gabrielle: “It just doesn’t have a point of view. You know, it needs more verve...more character...more...more of me. It doesn’t sing to me like this. Actually, that’s a great idea. A scroll should be sung, not told.
[Sings]
“Well, listen to my story about Gabrielle...
A cute little gal that’s lookin’ really swell.
Perfect hair, such a lovely lass...
Nice round breasts and a firm young...”Xena: “Are you out of your mind?!” Gabrielle: “Too loud? Ar-are you worried we’re gonna get there and the fish’ll be gone?” Xena: “I’m worried we’re gonna get there and the fish’ll be armed.” Xena: “Oh...it’s just the way I remember it...amazing.” Gabrielle: “Really is. It’s just wonderful. It’s flawless. I feel right at home here.” Xena: “This is the ultimate fantasy.” Gabrielle: “I’m the ultimate fantasy.” Joxer as Attus: “Uhhhhh.” Gabrielle: “...four. Hundred and five. Hundred and six. What are we doing here?” Xena: “Just gonna alter the landscape a little.” Gabrielle: “Hundred and eight. Why?” Xena: “You remember the Mystic Diamond?” Gabrielle: “Mm-hmm.” Xena: “Well, Aphrodite thinks that what’s happened to you and to Joxer is gonna make me forget about it, but no...no, I’m gonna get it back. And while I’m at it, there’s nothin’ wrong with gettin’ in a little fishing.” Gabrielle: “What does that have to do with the diamond?” Xena: “This...is gonna cause an avalanche in the canyon. And that’ll force Aphrodite’s henchmen to detour around the lake.” Joxer as Attus: “Oooh, ooh! Oooh, ooh!” Xena: “There, that oughtta do it.” Joxer as Attus: “He! He! He! Ho! Ho!” Xena: “And now it’s time for a little fun. Come on!” Gabrielle: “A hundred and...One...” Joxer as Attus: “Ooh!” Gabrielle: “Two... ” Joxer as Attus: “Ooh!” Gabrielle: “Three.” Xena: “This is gonna be the best thing of your young lives! Come on, Gabrielle, let’s get wet! Come on, Gabrielle! Get your gear off!” Gabrielle: [Laughs] “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Joxer as Attus: “Hhhhhhh.” Gabrielle: “No, I’m sorry Joxer...I take off my clothes...I could kill you. Beauty can do that. Did I just say that? Is Xena right? Have I gone too far? Am I obsessed with myself? No! What’s not to like?! Right?!” Joxer as Attus: “Yeah. Ooh! Ooh. Ooh, uh, uh, uh, ooh?” Xena: “Oh, Gabrielle?! Come here, I wanna show you something.” Gabrielle: “Well, you’re gonna have to show me from here. This little minx is staying on dry land.” Joxer as Attus: “Uh! Uh!” Gabrielle: “Xena?” Xena: “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!” Gabrielle: “You have a fish...wrapped around your finger.” Xena: “Yeah. Gabrielle, I forgot how much fun this is. Come on, give it a try. It’s easy!” Gabrielle: “What do you do?” Xena: “All you have to do is, ya...ya stick your hand underneath the water, and ya feel around ‘til ya find a great, big, succulent fish. And then you do this...you wiggle your fingers so it looks like bait...and then, whammo!” Gabrielle: “You punch it in the face. Why would I want to do that?” Xena: “Because it’s fun!” Gabrielle: “Right...ramming my fist down the throat of an innocent, little fish. It’s not my idea of fun.” Xena: “Well, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. Twins! Ha-ha! Gotcha, gotcha, and now I’m gonna eatcha. Hey, Gabrielle...why don’tcha give it a try, huh? I’m gonna go gut these.” Gabrielle: “She wants me to fist a fish? I can barely say it, much less do it. [Chuckles] Xena, you just don’t realize how primitive...you really are.” Joxer as Attus: “Oh! Oh! Uh! Oh! Oh!” Gabrielle: “She just doesn’t appreciate the truly great work of art that I am.” Joxer as Attus: “Ooh! Ooh! Uh!” Gabrielle: “And...who is that that I see before my eyes? Ohh...yeah.” Joxer as Attus: “Wiggly food.” Xena: “OK...you take care of these. I’m gonna start a fire.” Joxer as Attus: “Uh! Uh! Hmm? Ah! Ah! I, Attus...king of trout...and ruler of its peoples. I set you free. Uh-- huh? Ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! You tell good joke, trout-brother. But now...I must have tribute. Go! Swim! Be free! Go! Go!” Xena: “Now, you listen to me, monkey-man. You ever do that again, and you’ll find my fist down your throat! Gabrielle and I didn’t come...Gabrielle?! Gabrielle?!” Xena: “Gabrielle? Where is she? Gabrielle? Gabrielle! I’m coming! Hang on!” Joxer as Attus: “Huh? Huh, huh?” Xena: “Gabrielle?” Joxer as Attus: “Oh!” Xena: “Gabrielle?!” Joxer as Attus: “Ooh! Ohh! Ah! Uh. Uh. Whoo-hoo...ha! Uh. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.” Gabrielle: “Not the lips! Joxer as Attus: “Huh? Huh?” Gabrielle: “Please...they chap so easily.” Xena: “Wha...just what were you doing out there?” Gabrielle: “Uh...I was...oh! I was trying to kiss my reflection in the water. I couldn’t resist it. I leaned over...and I tried to press my lips... ” Xena: “And you fell in. Any fish down there?” Gabrielle: “It was like, my reflection embraced me.” Joxer as Attus: “Uh.” Gabrielle: “I sank into it. I was surr-o-u-n-d-ed by it. And then you...you pulled me up, and...I looked into your eyes, and Xena, I finally realized...there can only be one person for me in my life.” Xena: “Well?” Gabrielle: “Me! Hey, I let you save me!” Joxer as Attus: “Uh! Ooh! Ooh! Uh! Ooh! Uh! Uh!” Gabrielle: “Ohh, my...where’s my brush? Joxer...” Joxer as Attus: “Huh?” Gabrielle: “Can you hear me?” Gabrielle as Apewoman: “Oh. Oh. Oh.” Joxer as Attus' Voice: “Huh?” Gabrielle as Apewoman: “Oh. You mighty man-monkey.” Joxer as Attus: “Hmmm.” Gabrielle as Apewoman:“She-monkey need you!” Joxer as Attus: “Uhh.” Gabrielle:: “Good. Here’s the problem. Aphrodite has enchanted you. That’s obvious. Xena thinks that I’ve been enchanted...but I haven’t.” Joxer as Attus: “Huh?” Gabrielle: “I’m really worried about her.” Joxer as Attus [Gulps]: “Huh?” Gabrielle: “You see, I’ve never seen her so focused on fishing before.” Joxer as Attus: “Uh.” Gabrielle: “Joxer...” Gabrielle as Apewoman: “Oh-oh-oh! Ahh! Ahh!” Gabrielle: “Have you understood anything that I’ve said?” Joxer as Attus: “Ar-arr.” Gabrielle: “Great.” Joxer as Attus' Voice: “Uh!” Gabrielle: “That’s OK. Hmm...” Gabrielle as Apewoman: “Ahh! Me love Attus! Me love him!” Joxer as Attus: “Hmm...uh.” Gabrielle: “I’ll just use my superior intelligence...” Gabrielle as Apewoman: “Me love him! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.” Gabrielle: “...and overall good judgment in all situations to handle this.” Gabrielle as Apewoman: “Zug-zug!” Joxer as Attus: “Hmm?” Gabrielle as Apewoman: “Zug-zug, now!” Joxer as Attus: “Hmm.” Gabrielle as Apewoman: “Ahh! Ahh!” Joxer as Attus: “Ah! Ah!” Gabrielle: “I’ll speak with Xena.” Joxer as Attus: “Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Mmm! Oh! Oh! Ohh! Uh!” [Young Lyceus: “Cut it out, Xena!”
Young Xena: “Lyceus... I’ve got a bite!”
Young Lyceus: “Wow.”
Young Xena [morphing into Xena]: “Look Lyceus, it’s Solaris.”]Gabrielle: “Xena! I have something really important I need to speak to you about. Do these boots work with this skirt? Ow! You cut my hair?” Xena: “Uh-huh.” Gabrielle: “My little, golden fleece?” Xena: “It’s perfect.” Gabrielle: “Of course, it’s perfect. It’s my hair.” Xena: “And the color is gonna work just beautifully with this.” Gabrielle: “A bent nail? You cut my hair to put a wig on a bent nail?” Xena: “It is not a bent nail. It’s a hook. Look, I disguise it with your hair, attach it to my flying parchment, and we got him.” Gabrielle: “Who’s ‘him’?” Xena: “Solaris.” Gabrielle: “Who’s Solaris?” Xena: “A fish that Lyceus and I discovered when we were kids. He’s wily, Gabrielle. He’s smart, he’s cunning, he’s a great opponent. Every time that Lyceus or I would catch him, he would find a way to escape. But this time...no.” Gabrielle: “Well, that’s fine...except for one thing.” Xena: “What’s that?” Gabrielle: “You’re not sacrificing my hair for a fish.” Xena: “Thanks. It really is amazing how much like Lyceus’ hair it is. I’m sure Solaris will go for it. I’ve got to make him think that he’s alone. Huhh...a regular fishing pole won’t cutit. Nope...we gotta reduce line drag. That’s why, when we attack, we do it from the air.” Gabrielle: “Xena...why don’t I just find some local villagers? I’ll lure them in with my eloquent speech...snap my fingers and you can have any fish that you want.” Xena: “No one...catches Solaris...but me.” Gabrielle: “Hmm. Do you ever get the feeling that we’re forgetting something really important?” Xena: “That diamond thing.” Gabrielle: [Whispers] “The diamond.” Xena: “Yeah, you see, your obsession keeps you from remembering very important things.” Gabrielle: “My obsession?” Xena: “You can’t see the fish for the lake. We only have a very limited time to get the Mystic Diamond back. Remember that.” Gabrielle: “So, what do you wanna do...track these guys down?” Xena: “Before we catch Solaris? Are you outta your mind?” Maecanus: “This wasn’t here, before.” Thug: “It must’ve been an avalanche.” Maecanus: “Your talents are wasted as a thug. You should’ve been an astronomer.” Thug: “I don’t know anything about rocks.” Maecanus: “All right! We’ll have to make detour up around the lake.” Xena: “Higher.” Gabrielle: “This OK?” Xena: “Gabrielle...higher, please. For cryin’ out loud. All right. Now, let her go. Gabrielle? OK, this time the clip should work. Give it a pull!” Gabrielle: “Yah!” Xena: “It worked! It really worked!” Gabrielle: “What worked?! Trying to overshadow my...dynamic personality with some mud?! Has that been the point to all this?” Xena: “Huh?” Gabrielle: “It’s beginnng to make sense. Fishing...Solaris. [Chuckles] Right. Now, I understand.” Xena: “Understand what?” Gabrielle: “You’re jealous...of me.” Xena: “That’s ridiculous.” Gabrielle: “All this time, Xena...I’ve tried to let it go...you know? And it hasn’t been easy. I have tried to be humble with you. But you’re pushing too far.” Xena: “Look...” Gabrielle: “No...don’t. I haven’t seen this diamond. Yes! You say that it’s stolen, and I took your word for it! But you bring me here...where no one can appreciate my radiance! No one! No competition for you. No...and Solaris the fish? Please.” Xena: “I brought you here ‘cause I thought we could enjoy a good day’s fishing together.” Gabrielle: “There’s no such thing as a good day’s fishing. A day without fish is good.” Xena: “You know, you sounded just like my brother, Lyceus, then. Huh...he used to argue with me about fishing! Said he hated it, but I could tell. He had the same fire in his eyes that you and I have got.” Gabrielle: “Uh-uh...unless your brother was an Adonis...he and I are nothing alike. Isn’t there anyone here who can appreciate my specialness?!” J/Attus: “Ah-ah! Ah-ah! Ah-ahhhhhhh! Ooh! I Attus. Attus appreciate.” Gabrielle: “Joxer?” Joxer as Attus: “Don’t speak. Attus take you as bride. Ah-ah! Ah-ah! Ah-ah! He! He! He! Aoooooooo!” Gabrielle: “Joxer!” Xena: “Finally, a little peace and quiet.” [Laughs] Joxer as Attus: “Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ooh! Ooh-ooh! Ooh! Ooh!” Gabrielle: “Stop! Stop! Joxer, are you mad?!” Joxer as Attus: “Hmm.” Gabrielle: “Let me go!” Joxer as Attus: “Hmm.” Gabrielle: “Please, I’m getting dirty!” Joxer as Attus: “Hmm.” Gabrielle: “Huh?! Huh! Huh!” Joxer as Attus: “Hmm...hmm. Gaea...like Attus?” Gabrielle: “Attus is quite a surprise!” Joxer as Attus: “Hmm.” Gabrielle: “Here! Put something on...please?” Joxer as Attus: “Hmm...Attus pleasure you with much furious Zug-zug, first.” Gabrielle: “Uh!” Joxer as Attus: “Hmm...what this?” Gabrielle: “Oh, no, no, no, no...that’s mine. A garment of this quality can only adorn a perfect body.” Joxer as Attus: [Yawns] Gabrielle: “Put it on...quick.” Joxer as Attus: “Hmm? Hmm. Hmm. It soft...like baby monkey. Hmm. Ooh. Ooh-ooh.” Gabrielle: “What?” Xena: “Gabrielle?! Monkey-man, you bring her back! You know, you two are beginning to irritate me with these obsessions of yours! Fish don’t just catch themselves!” Gabrielle: “Attus! Attus! Unhand me, you beast!” Joxer as Attus: “Hmm. Hah. Hmm. Bride want food?” Gabrielle: “Uh, no thank you. I...I had a late breakfast.” Joxer as Attus: “Hmm...then...now...Zug-zug!” Gabrielle: “I could...do with a few ants!” Joxer as Attus: “Hmm.” Gabrielle: “Mmm.” Xena’s Voice: “Gabrielle?! Gabrielle?!” Gabrielle: “She’s come for me.” Xena’s Voice: “Where are you?!” Gabrielle: “I knew she would. She can’t live without me for a minute.” Xena’s Voice: “Gabrielle!” Gabrielle: “Not that I could blame her.” Joxer as Attus: “Hmm...then...now, I take you next to raging river, where, for three moons, we make furious Zug-zug!” Joxer as Attus: “Ooh! Ooh!” Gabrielle: “Oooh! I don’t like this!” Joxer as Attus: “Ah-ah! Ah-ah! Ah-ah! He! He! He! Aooooooo!” Xena's Voice: “Gabrielle?!” Joxer as Attus: “Ah! Ah! Great white monkey, Xena, come for Princess Gaea! Animals! Animals of the jungle! Listen to me! Billy goats! Form ramming positions! Elephants! Suck water from great river...for moat! Great Eagle! Come down and collect me, so that I may swoop down upon her! Come down and collect me, so that I may swoop down upon her! Oooh! Damn you! You ungrateful animals! Ooh! Come on! Ah! Ah-ahhhhh! Where’d she go? Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Attus glad that over. Ohh! Uhhh. Uhhh.” Xena: [Yells] Gabrielle: “You saved me! Xena...the world will thank you for rescuing such an unrivaled beauty. Your name will be legendary...like...‘Gabrielle the Great?’ ‘Gabrielle of Troy.’ Huh!” Xena: “Here, fishy, fishy, fishy.” Gabrielle: “‘Our Lady, Gabrielle.’ ‘Gabrielle of the Nile.’ Wait, there’s more! ‘Gabrielle of Olympia!’ ‘Gabrielle and the Four Seasons!’” Xena: [Sighs] “What are you doing?” Gabrielle: “Oh...I’m just highlighting perfection with some berry juice.” Xena: “Yeah, looks good on you. Only, they’re not berries...they’re crushed bugs I was using for bait.” Gabrielle: [Spits] Xena: “Gabrielle, uh...you know that diamond we were looking for earlier?” Gabrielle: “Diamond? Was that today?” Xena: “Yes...I’ve never seen it, but I heard that it’s, uh...it’s perfect, just like you.” Gabrielle: “I’m glad you could finally admit that, Xena. You know, that must’ve been difficult for you. I realize the envy that I inspire.” Xena: “Right. Well, that’s why Aphrodite wanted it. I know that now.” Gabrielle: “What do you mean?” Xena: “She thinks of herself as...the perfect female...immortal or otherwise.” Gabrielle: “She thinks that she’s the perfect female?” Xena: “She obviously thought that the perfect diamond was something that she should be wearing. Well, it’s like a badge, announcing her as the most beautiful creature in the universe.” Gabrielle: “Let’s go, Xena.” Xena: “Where?” Gabrielle: “To get the diamond. If it’s perfection, I should possess it.” Xena: “Oh, I’m sorry, Gabrielle. I feel a bite comin’ on. But, uh...Maecanus should be passing by this lake, soon. Uh...maybe, you...” [Sighs] Joker: “And he says, ‘Your sandal? I thought that was my dinner.’ Huh.” Maecanus: “I don’t get it.” Thug: “His sandal?” Maecanus: “I thought...I don’t get it.” Joker: “He ate it...‘cause he thought it was his...you know? When he kicked it off his foot...you know? The sandal...and it landed...” Maecanus: “I don’t get it.” Gabrielle: [Yells] “Yodel-ay-hee-hoo!” Xena: “You go, Gabrielle!” Xena: “You’re beautiful when you’re angry.” Gabrielle: “Ha-ha!” Maecanus: “After her!” Joxer as Attus' Voice: “Uh! Uh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-uh-uh-uh!” Xena: “Joxer?!” Joxer as Attus' Voice: “Uh! Uh!” Xena: “I mean, Attus, come here.” Joxer as Attus: “He! He! He! Uh! Hmm.” Xena: “You want the princess, right?” Joxer as Attus: “Attus want!” Xena: “You need the princess, right?” Joxer as Attus: “Attus need! Ah! Ah-ah!” Xena: “Well...here’s what you do...” [Whispers to him] Maecanus: “Give us the diamond!” Maecanus’ Voice: “This way. We got her now.” Gabrielle: “Hold it, boys! Huh...do you think I’m not used to men chasing me? Same old story. Can’t believe I’m beginning to chafe. OK, look...I’m sure that even people of your ilk can appreciate perfection, right?” Maecanus: “Sure, we can. Kill her!” Maecanus: “Kill her!” Gabrielle: [Chuckles] “That’s funny.” Maecanus: “You’re trapped. Now, give us the diamond, and we’ll make sure your loved ones can identify the body.” Gabrielle: “This body.” Maecanus: “Hmm.” Gabrielle: “Are you insane? Have you no understanding of absolute, inviolate cuddliness?” Maecanus, Thug, Joker: “Hmm?” Maecanus: “Guess not.” Gabrielle: “Xena!” Xena: [Whistles X:WP theme song] Gabrielle’s Voice: “Xena” Xena: [Continues whistling theme song] Gabrielle: “I don’t wanna break a nail.” Joxer as Attus: “He! He! He! Ohh!” Maecanus: “After her!” Thug: “Up the wall?” Maecanus: “Are you a mountain climber?” Thug: “No.” Maecanus: “Well, then this way.” Joxer as Attus: “He! He! He! Aoooooooooo!” Gabrielle: “Uh! Joxer...you saved me.” Joxer as Attus: “Hmm. Now...time for Zug-zug!” Gabrielle: “Huh? Oh, no!” [Gasps] Joxer as Attus: “Ah! Bird brother! Go! Fly! Tell your people of Attus, the ape-man. Bring tribute! Go! Fly!” Gabrielle: “Joxer! Swing! El swingo!” Joxer as Attus: “Hmm. Attus not afraid! Attus king of jungle! Ow! Hmm? Attus renounce throne.” Xena: [Gasps] “Solaris!” Gabrielle’s Voice: “Xena!” Gabrielle: “Xena! Xena! Catch!” Maecanus: “Leave the diamond, little girl. Don’t make me kill you.” Xena: “You’re new around here, right?” [Fight] Joxer as Attus: “Ooh, ooh.” “Ooh, ooh.” Gabrielle: “Xena, forget about Solaris...please!” Xena: “Never! After all this time...never!” Gabrielle: “My dress is wrinkling.” Xena: “He’s gone.” Joxer as Attus: “Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh! Ah! Ahh! Ooh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ooh. I just get tribute from Brother hippo.” Gabrielle: “He got away, huh?” Xena: “Yeah...but it worked. Everything worked beautifully, Gabrielle, except...” Gabrielle: “He still got away, now give me the diamond.” Xena: “It’s beautiful.” Gabrielle: “Mmm...you were right to think that only I should wear that. Now, you gonna give it to me?” Xena: “I got an idea.” Gabrielle: “So, what are you doing?” Xena: “I’m sending the North Star back to the heavens before nightfall. Hopefully, the power of the Mystic Diamond will help guide it home.” Gabrielle: “But, it’s mine!” Xena: “Well, just think, Gabrielle. Every time that people look up into the night sky and see that perfect star...they’ll think of you.” Gabrielle: “Hmm.” Xena: “ It’ll be a symbol of your beauty for all time to come.” Gabrielle: “It is too bad that the people can’t see the real thing. Guess a symbol of it will have to do. Fire away! What are you waiting for?” Xena: “You’ll see.” Gabrielle: “Xena, you’re not going to use my diamond as bait, are you?” Xena: “It’s just crazy enough to work. Ahhh!” Gabrielle: “I think you just put a fish in the heavens.” Xena: “I dedicate this fish to Lyceus.” Gabrielle: “Are you OK?” Xena: “I was obsessed with fishing, wasn’t I?” Gabrielle: “I’m sorry, Xena, but I really don’t pay that much attention to you. I have much more important things to do with my time.” Xena: “Gabrielle, I just realized what it was that was driving my obsession. It’s not fishing! It...it’s all the unresolved business between me and my brother. I felt like I still owed him something. The minute I acknowledged it, I was out from under its spell.” Gabrielle: “Ah...I just love the way my eyes glow in the sunlight.” Xena: “Gabrielle, there’s something that’s bothering you that you need to get in touch with.” Gabrielle: “You’re right. These boots don’t work with this skirt.” Xena: “No, Gabrielle, think. There is something about yourself that you’re not satisfied with.” Gabrielle: “Other than the fact that no one gives me credit for anything, and everyone thinks I’m a silly sidekick? Now, I’ve got this headache.” Xena: “Well, you’re back to normal, now. Gabrielle, from now on, I’m gonna make sure you get a lot more credit for the things you do. That’s a promise.” Gabrielle: “Thanks.” Xena: “Insight released us from the spell.” Gabrielle: “That’s all it took?” Xena: “Let’s get outta here. Come on.” Gabrielle: “Yep. It definitely looks like a fish. But which one’s the North Star?” Xena: “The big one.” Gabrielle: “Hmm. Hmm. It's a good thing that you figured out all that insight stuff, Xena. Who knows how long we'd be under that spell?” Xena: “I couldn't have done it without you. The only reason I do any good at all in this world is because I do it with you. You make an important contribution every day. I'm gonna make sure that people know that from now on.” Gabrielle: “You don't have to do that...but it's nice to be reminded that you feel that way. Hmm.” Joxer as Attus: “Oh! Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh! Uh! Oh!” Gabrielle: “I think you still need to do something about Joxer.” Joxer as Attus: “ Uh! Uh! Uh!” Xena: “Tomorrow.”
